Hang in there folks, this is a long one, but it’s worthwhile. The other day, after I kicked that bitch on my shoulder to the curb, I found that right away, I truly did accept my home the way it was. It was a wonderful afternoon of feeling peaceful and happy in my sloppiness. I was light and liberated. Awesome.
The next morning, I woke up feeling amazing… refreshed! What was this, I’m….happy, why? Did something good happen last night? Did I get good news? No, not really. Well, whatever it is, I’m happy, and so, that’s nice.
I floated through my morning on a little cloud. Everything looked and felt bright and cheery. I asked myself, “what is this feeling?”, and I answered myself, “I’m…feeling like…I’m having…fun”. OK, I’m having fun, just going about my normal routine(?). OK.
I got cleaned up and started working.
Soon I realized, something was off. I want something… what? I looked around. My inner voice said to me, “I think, I actually want to clean. And decorate”. What the hell?! I thought I was over this.
Since my other new thing is to go with the flow, I decide to embrace it, what is it that I want to clean and decorate? I looked around and came up with a few things to improve on, that wouldn’t break the budget. I needed organization for the playroom, and curtains for the powder room. I went to Target and got some organizational bins, and privacy curtains for the bathroom window.
Buying those items, along with a couple hours of removing old baby toys from the playroom and installing curtains, gave me a cool new playroom with a truck corner, a dinosaur corner, an art corner, a baby-mama-daddy corner and a plant and pet section. I actually have an age appropriate, educational playroom, along with a real-grown up bathroom that actually gives people privacy to make a doody. Look at me go! (Err… not on the potty, that reads weird.)
Since doing these small things, I feel so happy when I look around my home. I see my kids enjoying their playroom, and they’re actually giving me a lot of space to do my thing, because they’ve now got the setup they need to play in an engaged way. Everyone wins.
Later, as I sat down to blog about my decorating spree, I found I was actually slightly annoyed and afraid to admit that I enjoyed this. I spent so many years struggling with my lack of ambition to spend money on my house and fix it up. I finally found peace and accepted my dysfunction, and then, suddenly I’m some kind of Martha? What? Why?
I think there are two reasons.
One, I recently made a choice to stop worrying about money. This is huge for me. I always worried about money, a lot. My husband and I got married very young. We put ourselves through college. We worked a lot of shitty jobs, for low pay, for people who were, let’s put it delicately,
stupid assholes challenging personalities.
We pretty much put ourselves out there into a bit of an intimidating world, for the sake of adventure, and we’re grateful to ourselves for doing that, but, we’ve hit a lot of financial stumbling blocks along the way, and it’s continually scared the shit out of me.
I was scared to spend money for fear of running out of it altogether. I was afraid to spend time working on the house, because I felt like time is money.
A few weeks ago, any time I’d feel those fears creep into my mind, I’d stop, leave that space, go into another room, and release the fear by telling myself it is my choice to remain calm, believe that I’ll always have the money I need, that I’m safe, and that I’m in control. It’s been lovely and worry free ever since.
The second reason is, that I made a conscious choice to stop beating myself up for having a messy home. If anyone of my friends told me that they felt as down on themselves as I did for being messy, I would hug them, and tell them they’re wonderful, and hope to god they’d stop being so hard on themselves, because I believe deeply they’re a good person and didn’t deserve the treatment they were giving themselves. Why wouldn’t I give myself that same compassion? So, I started treating myself compassionately, rather than beating myself up.
Getting over these two self destructive thought patterns helped me gain some true inspiration to improve my space. I did it because I wanted to, not because I felt guilt-ed into it. Not because spending money felt cool or reckless. I don’t have buyers remorse. I still have enough money in the bank. The sky did not fall. As a result, I feel fulfilled.
You may want to try putting away your fears related to money, or your habit of beating yourself up. What do you have to lose? Your stress? You don’t need that anyway.